Just the idea of something that could be so BADICALLY therapeutic, and GOOD for me, something that  would be at least a modicum of proof to me that I was at least TRYING felt abhorrent to me. I didn't see the point. I didn't feel deserving. I had nothing left.

One day, I stumbled across a Mel Robbin's reel about this thing called the 5-second rule. Basically, just get up at a productive hour (i.e. NOT 1 pm), and work towards SOMETHING. It shows you first thing in the day that you believe in yourself. And I took it to task. I did this for a month, and then another, and then another, and then I did what James Clear (Atomic Habits) calls HABIT STACKING. One good habit on top on another. I started a part time remote job, it gave me something to work my day around, and after that I started walking a couple of times a week (I wfh-ed so I started noticing that I would always have this residual anxious energy around the time I got off). And I started looking into things that I knew I COULD do to build a business (more on that later perhaps), but I started investing my time into what that would entail, and what tools I might need (I had had the idea years earlier it turns out but I was @ too low of a point then- even though, trust me it got WORSE, actually) to get the ball rolling. 

It turns out folks, that the human soul is an endless source of resilience. The trick to it all was simply that what we know about all things in life-- what you put in, you get out. If you feed it nothing, you get nothing in return. You have to dream. And you have to believe in your dreams. I know this can feel utterly hopeless first-hand, and it may seem like you are literally scraping up against the very bottom of the pit for the most pitiful amount of energy or hope. But it's there. You just have to feed it. 

So, without any strength to draw from from those around me, I found my strength through words. I started reading ferociously. I downloaded an app called I AM, that sends me positive affirmations every day that I save (it's gotten up to 400 saved at this point- and I only save the ones I LOVE!).  The books helped tremendously, and so did the words, the rest is just finding your tribe. IRL or online- it doesn't matter. We cannot grow in a vacuum. Find the people who are doing what you want to do or being who you want to be-- don't become a CARBON COPY of them, but take the aspects of the things that you like, and leave the rest. You will never align 100% with any one thing, because you are a million trillion different inimitable fractals, remember that, just:

Keep feeding your mind, keep feeding your body, and keep fueling the DREAM.